


When you're close to me

by Muraechi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Dorks in Love, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, Love Triangles, M/M, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 21:16:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9566711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Muraechi/pseuds/Muraechi
Summary: “Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?”― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm stuck in this ship (besides Pliroy) and oh gosh, I think their relationship would be so cute but sad at the same time. Thanks to my beta-reader as always for helping me out with the ideas and improving my English.
> 
> The phrase quoted above is one I found (don't know the author nor will pretend I do) but it fits perfectly to what this one-shot is about. Hope you enjoy it and have a nice reading :)

It was unexpected. I felt like a traitor for feeling this way. I certainly didn’t know what to do and it was killing me. The suffocating emotion increased day after day. But here I was, lying on my bed thinking about the ifs and buts. Yura was my best friend and best friends are supposed to take care of each other, support each other, don’t hide anything to the other, no matter how embarrassing it is. The guilt I felt was ever more intense because of that… I was hiding the most horrible secret from him. I fell in love with his crush.

  
Surprisingly, after the last GPF Final, Yura and JJ began hanging out together. JJ had always been eager to become friends with him, so after the competition ended, he had went straight up to congratulate him and asked him to have a chat. I was there; I saw the whole development of their relationship. Yura was really excited because of it, due to the fact he had been crushing on JJ for a long time now. Those harsh comments towards JJ and the several times he ignored the other were only to hide his true feelings.

  
We decided to spend some time together to catch up with things and also have some relaxing time before the next competition began. That’s the reason I went to Russia. I was staying at Yura’s place. We hung out, the two of us alone and sometimes Japanese Yuri and Victor came along too. Mila and Georgi were there on some occasions as well. But most of the time, it was a best friends outing.

  
One day, Yura was texting as usual with the Canadian boy, his face showing a glittering feeling while reading his texts and replying to them as soon as he could.

  
“Beka, he’s coming today,” he said with rare but bright smile on his face. He only smiled like that with his grandfather, Mila and occasionally with me too. However, that expression was definitely different than before.

  
“He is flying all the way from Canada, just to see you?” I asked feeling a little down, although I tried my best to hide my emotions.

  
Yura nodded in excitement. Being with JJ was fun, I myself knew that, and wanted to spend more time with him… alone.

“He said we have to go out as soon as he gets here”, he chuckled and I followed only to leave his bedroom where we were having some nap time.

  
“I’m going to make some coffee. Want some?” I felt like leaving him alone. I didn’t like how their relationship made me feel. Guilt was building inside of me yet again.

  
“Yeah, sure,” he replied, still focused on his cellphone.

  
Days passed. It was Sunday. I woke up early in the morning to make some breakfast when suddenly, there were some knocks at the door. It scared me since I was all alone on the first floor, and the sun wasn’t fully raised yet.

  
I walked up to the front other, heart dropping when I met the other man’s eyes , standing there, smiling like the beauty king he was.

  
“Otabek! Man, long time no see,” he greeted me with a warm hug. I wanted to die. Yes, someone kill me, please.

  
I hugged him back instinctively, letting him get inside quickly since it was quite chilly outside. A he got in, he started taking his big coats off, staying only with a back tight cardigan. His dark silky hair was tousled.

  
_Ah, I want to touch that hair_ , I found myself thinking about it, snapping out of it only when I felt him staring back at me.

  
Clearing my throat, I invited him to have breakfast with me and Yura, who was walking down stairs in his pajamas. Face going flushed red as he realized who the third person being in the house was. I laughed a little bit, asking myself if I looked that obvious with his mere presence as well.

  
JJ went up to give Yura a long hug; he lifted him up while spinning around in circles. Sometimes he acted like a child, I always said. I smiled. To my misfortune, he noticed it.

  
“You want one as well, hero?” He asked me, taking me off guard. I could feel my cheeks burning from embarrassment.

  
“Shut up, King,” I said. turning around to continue preparing pancakes and coffee.

  
We sat down, ate and talked a little bit. The three of us became quite close to each other, although they were along better than I did. The main reason was that Yura had a crush on him and now, JJ was also falling for those emerald green eyes. Why am I stating that? Because the King himself asked me for some advice. Such as the things Yura looked for in a partner, what he liked, his favorite food… Simple questions, but they made me feel uneasy every time he came with them.

  
Later that day, Yura went out with his grandfather for a while. He didn’t mind leaving us behind in his place. I’ve been there quite a lot by now; the only problem for me now was the companion I was with. JJ was staying for a few weeks ,just like me. It was certain he would take a shower and be naked inside one of the rooms of the house. Just the thought of that made my heart skip a bit.

  
I started liking him not long after we started to hang out. I always saw him as young and handsome, but when I got to know his true self, I found myself enchanted by his eyes and body. I craved him; I wanted the self-proclaimed King to be my King.

  
I was playing some video games in the bedroom I was staying in when I heard some footsteps outside the door, followed by a thud.

  
“Fuck,” JJ shouted. It freaked me out. I stood up, opening the door, only to find a half-naked dark-skinned boy looking up at me, grimacing in pain.

  
“What the hell happened to you?” I asked; eyes wide open due to the sight in front of me. JJ let out a chuckle, rubbing his butt. He fell down, for sure. I couldn’t help but laugh as I walked up to him, grabbing his hands.

  
“Up we go,” By the time he was on his feet, the towel wrapping his lower half fell off. I let go of him immediately, locking myself in the room next to me.

Seconds later, I could see that it was not my room. It was his. JJ’s suitcases were open on the floor. His clothes laid out on his bed.

  
“Shit,” I muttered.

  
JJ was still outside; he knocked on the door one, two, three times. I was staring at it, feeling anxious. “Hey,” he said softly, and chills went up my spine. “Could you let me in? It’s freezing here.” He let out a sigh. All I could do was hold my breath.

  
I opened the door, storming out of the room in a hurry. After that, we didn’t talk until Yura came home.

  
It had been a week since JJ arrived in Russia. Yura was having a blast. Of course, the man he liked was there with us, and that man was showing a more affectionate demeanor towards him as well. They were falling in love… in front of my eyes.

  
It was Saturday night. We decided to grab a bite in a fast food restaurant. JJ ordered some hamburger and French fries, Yura a bucket of fried chicken and me, some salty waffles.

  
“So, when are you starting practicing again?” JJ asked ,excited. Ice skating was what we loved the most, and talking about it would light up our expressions in a second.

  
“I’m starting in a few weeks , and I think Beka is too, right?” He looked at me. I just nodded.

  
“Going back to Kazakztan?” Now, the question was directed to me. I glanced at him, nodding once again. JJ smiled, grabbing some of my food.

  
After we left the restaurant, JJ bought some booze on the way home. We started drinking by the time we entered the house. I had been a man of few words since a young age, and therefore, JJ and Yura were the ones having the chit-chat. I was just a listener. We were sitting in the big sofa, JJ by my right side and Yuri next to him.

  
I felt something heavy on my shoulders. I squinted my eyes to the side, finding JJ resting his head with sloppy eyes. I sighed, taking a long sip of the beer I was holding.

  
“I’m going to sleep now. Are you guys staying here?” Yura asked.

  
I said I was going to sleep as well, wanting to stand up but something held me. It was JJ’s hand holding the rim of my t-shirt.

  
“Stay more. We haven’t had a proper chat yet,” he smiled, looking a bit boozy already. I arched an eyebrow, uneasy to see Yura’s reaction, but when I turned around, he was already walking up the stairs.

  
“Night then. I’m so freaking tired,” he waved goodbye, letting us know he was in his bedroom with the sound of the door closing.

  
It was the two of us now, alone in the living room. We reek of alcohol; I wasn’t drunk or full sober either.

  
“Why did you ignore me the whole afternoon last time?”

  
_Ah, he spoke._

  
“I did not.”

  
“Yes, you did,” He adjusted himself properly in front of me. It was like his eyes were piercing my soul. His face was close to mine. I took a deep breath, looking to the side.

  
_This is a good chance_ , I thought, _ __I’ll just blame the beer.___

  
Facing JJ, I brushed my fingers lightly to his cheek. He opened his eyes, astonished, but giving in to the touch later.

  
I shortened the distance between our lips, caressing my nose against his, kissing him slowly and tenderly. I was shocked when I felt his hands on my hips, bringing me even closer to him. He deepened the kiss, licking my lower lip with his slippery tongue, asking for permission. I opened my mouth, getting a chuckle from him.

  
“Shit,” he whispered in my mouth, before clashing our mouths together, devouring me.

  
JJ was kissing me. My best friend’s love interest was sticking his tongue inside me. I felt hopeless, guilty and frustrated with the whole situation. My mind was yelling to stop it right there, but my desires were louder. I’ve imagined myself doing this with him for a while and now it was all coming true.

  
He started caressing my face, going down my back, sliding a hand under my clothes. The touch of his cold big hands made me snap out of my dreamy bubble. I couldn’t be doing this to Yura; JJ couldn’t be doing this to him either. Breaking the kiss, I stood up and left him alone. I went to sleep immediately after calming myself down. It was exciting and I was aroused. But he didn't belong to me. And he never would.

  
I went back home the next day. Yura had begun practicing for the upcoming competitions and I decided I was going to clear up my mind by doing the same.

One day, after practice, my coach told me that someone was waiting for me outside of the changing room.

  
“Yura didn’t mention he was coming,” I raised a brow.

  
“It’s not him, Otabek.” After hearing those words, I froze. I definitely didn’t have many friends, basically only Yura, and now… I gulped.

  
“JJ,” I muttered lowly. My hand began shaking and once again, I was losing my breath.

  
Yes, I was correct. There he was, sitting with his cellphone in hand, maybe checking out his social networks. He lifted his head up, grinning afterwards. I cleared my throat. It was drier than ever.

  
“What are you doing here?” I asked nonchalantly.

  
“Do you always run when something happens?” That question hurt in more than one way. I shrugged, acting like I didn’t understand what he was referring to.

  
“I really don’t know what you’re talking about now, JJ.”

  
“Oh please, don’t act like a fool now.” That being said, he came towards me. Eyes looking fierce, he kept his cellphone in his pocket and put on his shades.

“Let’s go eat something and then we’ll talk,” he finished, not even waiting for me to change clothes as he took me out of the establishment.

  
“At least, let me change first,” I demanded, trying to let go of his grip and failing. He grabbed me tighter.

  
He ignored me, walking out the door with a firm look on his face. What did I get myself into?

  
We were in his car, and he was driving like crazy. Speeding up like the end of the word was right in front of us. I adjusted myself in the seat, trying to look calm, when deep inside, I was about to jump out of the vehicle. Nervousness and anxiety were filling up my body, mile after mile. He parked in front of a hotel. Getting out of the car, once again, he grabbed me by the hand as he made me follow him inside the place.

  
“This is where you’re staying?” He nodded in response. “Great”

  
The elevator was full of tension. The air was suffocating. Long sighs left his mouth, making me feel more and more uneasy about the subject that he, for sure, wanted to talk about. As we entered his hotel room, he sat down in a small crimson armchair with his legs wide open.

  
“I came all the way here. I won’t let you go now,” he invited me to sit down next to him. I walked to the sofa and sat. “Why did you kiss me?”

  
“Why did you kiss me back?”

  
JJ sighed, scratching the back of his neck as of he was thinking deeply about his next words. I did the same.

  
“You don’t have to think so much JJ. We were drunk,” I affirmed.

  
“I was not… That drunk.”

  
Shaking my head, I spoke again, “I was curious, maybe.”

  
“Oh come on! Curious about what? Kissing me?”

  
“Yes.”

  
JJ dropped his mouth open, as well as his eyes. Yes, I replied without hesitation and I regretted right after.

  
“Does that mean you are interested in me?” He asked, with the most sincere look on his face like I’ve never seen before. That was quite a beautiful sight only I had the chance to see.

  
“Maybe.” My answers were cold and no details were overexposed.

  
“Fuck it, Otabek. Just tell me if you feel something for me?” He inquired, almost begging for a response.

  
“What do you want me to say? _Hey JJ, you know what? I realized I’m fucking in love with you for a while now and I can’t forgive myself because my best friend also likes you and to top it all, you like him as well._ Is that what you want to hear so badly, JJ?” After I finished saying those words, his eyes were in shock. I could feel something humid falling down my cheeks.

  
“Shit,” I murmured under my breath.

  
“So, you do like me.” he smiled.

  
“Why are you smiling, stupid?” I asked him, bewildered.

  
“To be honest, I was afraid of your answer,” he admitted. That caught me by surprise. Why would he even say that? It’s not like he was scared I might not like him.

  
“May I ask why?” JJ liked Yuri, period. I was confused about his words. I closed my eyes taking a deep breath, opening them again when he started talking.  
JJ giggled, rubbing his eyes and showing some hints of fatigue, maybe from the flight.

  
“You know? When a person kisses another one and leaves the day after, there are quite a few questions that bloom inside of their heads. For example: _Does he like me? Why did he do that? Should I follow my instincts and go after him besides liking someone already? _”__ He paused, staring deeply into my eyes, opening his mouth yet again to continue “Or maybe, _ __why did I get flustered if he is not the one I fell for?”___

  
I flinched after the last question, it was a fact. I couldn’t like him, I knew it from the beginning but I had taken advantage of the liquor in my blood and acted thoughtlessly.

  
“Which one did you ask yourself?” As I mentioned those words, I realized I was only hurting myself; nevertheless, I kept going with my inquiry. “Why did you come here? You should’ve let it pass.”

  
“I like Yuri. I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend, but…” he trailed off, getting closer. “Should I?”

  
I gulped, hearing those words. I couldn’t believe my ears.

  
“Why ar-“ He interrupted me.

  
“Answer me, Beka.” His eyes were hurting me. I faced the ground, avoiding the gaze I craved so much.

  
“He is my friend, my best friend, to be exact. I can’t do this to him. I can’t do this to myself either, and I can’t do this to you.”

  
“Me? Why?”

  
“I am very aware, JJ. You’ve liked him for a while now, and the same goes for him.”

  
“And for you, too,” he added.

  
“Could you please stop? Yuri is more important here. You are the destined pair, not us.” I was getting nervous; I had cared about others more than myself since I was young, so this attitude of mine was normal.

  
“I’m sorry to say this to you now, but I am confused. Very confused,” JJ admitted. I glanced at him. He was smiling. But the smile conveyed nothing more than grief.

  
“You should be with him, JJ, not me. I do have a request, though.”

  
With one look only, he understood what I meant. I stood up, walking slowly towards the bed covered in a velvet silky blanket. I sat down and waited for him there, watching every step the person I loved took until he reached me and positioned himself by my side.

  
“After this, you’ll forget everything I said and did, understand?” It was me who let the words come out first. My voice was trembling, my hands were sweaty and I was aching… My heart was aching, but I wanted him. I desired his body on top of mine. I wanted JJ to make me believe that he loved me just once, only once and it’s over. I am not a man who expresses his emotions freely. It was not something easy for me to do, but I felt my true self could be displayed in front of him. JJ nodded, and there it was again, that sad smile appeared on his face. I imitated him, before grabbing his face with my shaky hands to kiss him.  
I closed my eyes, feeling those lips I loved. The lips I wanted to taste every morning, the lips I wanted to kiss as a goodbye at the airport before separating from each other to start our training, and the lips I wanted to feel at night before going to bed.

  
JJ started to kiss me passionately. I sensed he wanted to deepen the act when he licked my lips, feeling his tongue against mine seconds later. I laid down on the bed, having him on top of me.

  
I broke the kiss to gain some air. We were both panting desperately for some oxygen in our lungs. The guy who was in front of me had the most beautiful face my eyes had ever seen. My lips curved into a shy smile due to my childish thoughts. _What are you, a girl? Pull it together, man._

  
His lips clashed mine in one movement. JJ’s hands began their journey on my neck, caressing lightly as it went down, little by little. Passing over my collarbones, chest, belly and stopping at my waist, where he grabbed it tighter as he pulled me closer.

  
He undressed me, looking up and down at my body, a man’s body. I wasn’t full of muscles but neither I did I have a slender figure. I did the same, getting rid of each piece of cloth he had on, admiring that buff body of his with eager eyes.

  
The day went on as JJ and I touched each other, felt the most private parts of the other, not wanting to miss an inch of it. He prepared me gently, avoiding any harm as he could. Since he was the King, I was treated like his Queen for the first and last time. When he entered me, JJ gathered all his strength to wait until I got used to the new feeling. It was definitely my first time. It felt like hell inside my body. It was burning, and that sensation lasted some minutes before I softly touched his left cheek with a hand, assuring him he could start moving.

  
Waves of new emotions and senses were born as his thrusts began to get rougher, passionate and hurried. I clenched my fist on the blanket, nails scratching his back as well.

  
Moaning, panting and whining filled the room. Meanwhile, JJ and I became one for the unique moment of our lives. I could feel I was getting close, JJ was close too since he kissed me roughly, devouring my mouth.

  
We came together, wrapping my legs around his waist, hugging him tightly. He was panting against my ear, I was panting against his. We were catching our breaths because of the effort we did moments ago. My eyes were closed, but I batted them open once I felt humidity on my shoulder. JJ lifted his head up, looking down at me. He was crying, I let out a small laugh because I was also crying.

  
“I’m sorry,” He apologized, leaving me stunned.

  
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault but mine,” I replied, brushing his tears away with my thumb. “In another life, I will be your man,” I declared, pecking his nose.

  
“In another life, I will be your King,” he said, falling next to me as he closed his eyes. JJ held my hand and I wished that moment would never end.


End file.
